In the past, I have volunteered my time because it is the only thing I have had to give.  As a financial advisor, I gave my time because I was too scared to do the two things that were needed to generate income:  solicit financial planning clients and sell investments.  Although, it came more naturally for me to counsel people about money rather than sell them something, I was actually doing everyone a great disservice (the company, the clients, my family and myself) because I was doing out of fear and not being faithful to myself as a financial planner.

This new journey I have been on, to be a professional speaker and writer, has been mostly the same.  I have continued to give of my speaking and writing abilities, but only because by doing so, I knew I would gain exposure.  And I have continued to give of my counseling services, but only because I was too scared to do the tasks needed to make my real dream a realization.  I was too scared to face my biggest demon - my overwhelming, life-crippling fear of being rejected.

Several weeks ago, and while I was in the “pursuit of a J.O.B. to support my D.R.E.A.M.” phase, a friend relayed a bit of career counseling advice she had picked up from the boob tube.  The advice was that I should continue to volunteer my services but this time, for even more exposure, sort of like the prostitute who strolls down the street showing a little leg in the hopes of scoring a deal.  So, I here I go again, volunteering my services up the wazoo river, giving it away abundantly, unabashedly, and to the point of having a calendar full of, you guessed it, speaking engagements.  But hence, I must digress, to confirm to you that I was not destitute or homeless (a position in which this global financial debacle has placed many of family and friends) for I had a meal ticket – in the form of a husband – who although having released me from all household financial responsibility, was not, under any circumstances going to finance my “somewhere over the rainbow” dream.  He had lived with me long enough to know that I already exist in “la la land”.  I didn’t need a pretend career to get me there.

“But how will I financially sustain this volunteerism?” I asked myself.  How can I join the Roanoke Valley Chamber of Commerce, how can I participate in their leadership program, how can I buy ink cartridges to print the flyers and postcards needed to promote my so-called “volunteering opportunities”?    How can I put gas in my car so that I can go to the Chamber for a meeting of the “Women on Purpose”, the group for women entrepreneurs WHICH I VOLUNTEERED TO CREATE?

In an attempt to fund my "habit", I wrote webcopy for a local business.  But I knew, from the beginning, that it was temporary.  How could I be so desperate for moolah but emotionally locked down in this “give it away till you drop” syndrome?   In spite of all the outside factors which screamed out for a dollar bill, I knew in my heart that I was not do anything to create money outside of my natural and supernatural ability to write and speak and until renumeration occured, I was to give it away.

Then last week I found myself up against a wall.  I was carrying around a bag of coins which represented every penny that I had.  While being in the throngs of a "low", I had not reached a new "high".  My husband succumbed slightly and said he would “run a tab” for my business expenses but even that didn’t feel right.

And then, totally separate from what I was going through, I witnessed a friend give another friend (who was under financial duress) a $500 check with the word “thank you” scribbled in the memo line.  The giver wrote “thank you” to the givee.  It was very moving and my friend (the recipient) received an epiphany moment when she knew that she was not to offer to pay it back but was to guarantee it would be paid forward – someday, somehow!!    I said “Oh, please make me like her (the giver)!  Please give me money so I can write checks.”

Then BAM, I received my epiphany moment:  I was, and have always been, praying for financial success.  Yeah, maybe some of which I would use to give away in my own little check-writing act for the thrill of receiving that “giving” feeling.  But not 100% of it – actually, I’d dare say 10 (%).  Let’s face it, I was and had always been in a mad, mad chase for THE EVER-LOVING DOLLAR.

But wait, I experienced a Grinch moment.  Something in my chest began to beat.  Was it a heartbeat? Could there really be a change?  Could something have finally broken in the heavenlies that was to release my heart?  Yes, yes, I believe the dam broke.  By facing the discrepancies in my character, I was changed!!  But into what exactly…uuuummmmmm…

I had already planned to do a series of financial seminars for the library and I had already lined up the dates with Head Librarian.  My next task was to write the Public Service Annoucement.  I sat down at the computer and started to write and for the first time (probably ever in my whole life), I felt like I was giving something, something of value, something that was only mine to give, to the world and I was giving it with a clean heart.  For the first time, I was a volunteer because I chose to be – not for what I could gain from it but for what I could give through it.  My entire countenance changed.  If you read it, you may sense the difference – or - you may not.  That is irrelevant.  I KNOW it’s different. 

Finally…I chose to offer my services to the community for the betterment of mankind, rather than as a wanna-be stage-hound trying to sell herself to the cheapest bidder.  I have planned four sessions which I am calling “Financial Knowledge to Wisdom” and I know I am to address the financial needs of whoever attends.  I am invite professionals to help me and I am to believe that those who need it will come. And finally, I KNOW that am to give of my knowledge, my wisdom, my time and --- my heart.  Finally, I am a volunteer.